An entirely legal Fictional Satire
Gurbrinder Aulakh – 
Ninety percent of New Zealanders are against the use of the words, ‘Festive Celebrations.’
Some readers may be disappointed that the following article is only a fictional satire written in a lighter vain. Any resemblance to any person or event may be coincidental.
A recent research has confirmed that a majority of New Zealanders are against the use of word ‘festive celebrations’ in place of Christmas and New year celebrations.
Professor Tom and Harry from the Department of Multiculturalism at the University of Ambition carried out this research.
Strange finding
Professor Tom said that the research was prompted by recent media reports that one of the biggest migrant agencies in Auckland is using the words “Festive Celebrations” in place of Christmas and New year.
Abraham Sunburnt, the news reporter, who reported it, has been showered with accolades for making this rare discovery of the decade, and for his fearless journalism and courageous attempt at creating a religious divide.
Professor Tom and Harry, who conducted the research, rubbished the claims of disgruntled elements that the so called extensive research carried out by them had only five participants, who are studying under their supervision. He denied that the participants were given no positive options in the questions asked of them.
He ridiculed the suggestion that $500,000 of tax payers’ money was spent on this extensive research. He produced receipts to prove that a total expenditure was only $499999.99.
Majority rejection
Mr Sunburnt said that results of the research proved that a majority of the New Zealanders did not accept the explanation given by the agency. The agency had earlier said that by using the words ‘Festive Celebrations’ for the last decade, it was able to have more participation of people from different religious backgrounds to come together to celebrate Christmas and New year.
Meanwhile, ‘NZ Second’ issued a press release stating that the results of the research are a vindication of its demand that the agency should be closed and these migrants should be told to “go back.”
Fights Commission
‘The Human Fights Commission’ has been inundated with complaints against the agency and others for using the expression ‘Festive Celebrations.’
The Commission has formed a Task Force to inquire into the matter and file a report within two years with recommendations for a ten-year plan on containing the contagious use of these words.
Protest marches by angry activist groups and vigilantes are being organised across the country.
The Race Relations Extinguisher has issued a statement to maintain calm and refrain from irresponsible journalism that has the potential to create racial dis-harmony.
But a leading newspaper ‘Bundle of Lies’ has termed the Race Relations Extinguisher’s statement as a direct attack on the freedom of speech and expression.
Feeling aggrieved by the statement, the newspaper has filed a petition at the High Court of Religion. The hearing has now been fixed before Justice God Universal.
Meanwhile, ‘NZ Third’ has termed the agency’s use of ‘Festive Celebrations’ a conspiracy at destabilising the nation. On its persistent demand, an all-party crisis meeting has been called in the Pacific Islands to intercept the phone and email conversations of all the residents to unearth this divisive plot.
Privacy breached
The breach of privacy issues raised by the Privacy Commissioner have been silenced due to the issue being of utmost national security.
Bees in the hive may be sitting under urgency on Sunday to knit the web capturing the word “Festive Celebrations”. Its use is likely to be banned.
Polite officers, armed with search warrants, are trashing through the personal items documents and computers to identify the person who wrote invitations and emails containing these blasphemous words.
It is yet to be ascertained whether this obvious fact of the last decade was a self-discovery of Mr Sunburnt or whether it was on the instigation of vested interests.
However, rumours are that his name is being lobbied for Knighthood for services to investigative journalism and contributions towards innovation (making something out of nothing) and technology (capturing online ratings).
Amid all this absurdity, it is hoped that the spirit of the festive season of Christmas and New Year will not be dampened by such opportunism. It is hoped people from across the different religions will continue to come together for the festive celebrations.
While Mr sunburnt is basking in the moment of glory, rival newspapers have started training sessions for their reporters for gaining similar skills (ratings and online hits).
Gurbrinder Aulakh is a lawyer practicing at Auckland and on the Immigration and Refugee law committee of the Auckland District Law Society. The views expressed are his individual. Email: aulakh@aucklandcitylawyers.co.nz; www.aucklandcitylawyers.co.nz
