You fell in love with your partner, but something does not seem right; maybe you are confused because he says he loves you and wants to be with you, but you just do not seem to be able to get him to resolve his issues.
Is this “normal” man stuff or is he being controlling and abusive, but you just cannot quite put your finger on it and name it as that?
If you are feeling harmed and controlled on a regular basi,s are you having trouble getting this through to your partner?
When you seek a respectful, empathetic listening ear in an attempt to get your partner to stop harming you, he denies he is doing anything wrong.
When you try to have a rational discussion to resolve money issues, parenting issues, or issues to do with family or friends, he says there is nothing to discuss and that you are making mountains out of molehills.
Some imponderables
Does he always think he is right and has to be right no matter what?
Does he try to stop you from doing things you love, seeing friends or family? He might do this in subtle ways that you cannot quite put your finger on, for example, he might say he hates a particular friend and make you feel uncomfortable about seeing them anymore.
Does he make sexist jokes, or have some rigid ideas about the right way to be a man or a woman?
Does he get jealous and possessive? If he does did it feel like he loved you in the beginning, but over time it feels really restrictive?
Things you think, say and do:
Do you feel like you are beating your head against a brick wall trying to resolve issues with your partner?
Are you hoping he will revert to the man he was at the beginning of your relationship?
Do you feel as if you are going crazy or feeling confused?
Do you feel you are losing yourself, or have already lost yourself?
Do you have two conflicting voices in your head – his voice and your voice?
Have you decided that you are better off silencing yourself? However, you secretly have one thought, but say another – just to keep the peace.
Have you started to lie to him so that you can get some freedom?
Do you think no one else understands?
Do you think it is the woman’s job to make a relationship work?
Do you make excuses for him, say, that he might have had an awful childhood and does not know any better?
Do you ask him to get help but he makes all sorts of excuses for not doing so?
Are you determined to make your happy-ever-after-dream work?
Most women are aware of their partner’s insecurities and will often try to boost his ego, not hurt his pride. But unless he stops denying, minimising and blaming, there will never be a resolution to the problems you are facing with him.
Seek help
It is OK to ask for help! If these warning signs ring true for you, be honest about the reality and seek help from someone who “gets” psychological abuse. You do not have to sort this out on your own.
In a healthy relationship you should expect respect, you should both negotiate win-win ways to get your needs met and encourage each other to flourish. It takes a lot to get to know each other’s values, hopes, dreams and quirky habits. Dr. Clare Murphy (PhD) Counsellor at Home and Family Counselling, Mt Eden, Auckland. The above is a highly edited version of the original, which can be obtained by emailing to pr@homeandfamily.org.nz
